Un om pe patul de moarte plangea de mama focului si vb cu Dumnezeu:
-De ce niciodata nu mi-ai dat si mie oportunitatea de a fi bogat,de ce niciodata nu am castigat si eu la loterie,de ce nici macar acum,pe patul de moarte nu pot muri si eu bogat…si tot asa…..pana cand D-zeu se enerveaza si ii zice:
-Da baga odata biletul ala!!!!

Gheorghe ara linistit in gradina, cand, apare Ion:
– Ba, Gheorghe! N-ai tu cumva un plug?
Sta Gheorghe si se gandeste:”Daca-i zic ca am, mi-l cere; daca-i zic ca n-am… doar vede ca am. Trebuie sa-i dau un raspuns evaziv.”
-Ba Ioane, du-te ba-n mata!

Seful de sala al unui restaurant de renume afla ca urmeaza sa primeasca vizita inopinata a unui inspector-specialist in gastronomie , supranumit “Fiara” din cauza intransigentei sale si a amenzilor astronomice aplicate unitatilor alimentare gasite cu “bube”.
Inspectorul intra in restaurant, se aseaza la o masa. Chelnerul, avertizat de seful de sala care-l recunoscuse, se prezinta prompt pentru a lua comanda; fara sa-si decline identitatea, inspectorul il intreaba:
– Am auzit ca la restaurantul asta se serveste absolut orice fel de mancare, asa e?
– Ati auzit bine domnule, puteti verifica.
– Bine, adu-mi atunci o conserva din cur de elefant!
– ?!
Chelnerul baigui un “imediat domnule”, apoi pleca
speriat sa-l anunte pe seful de sala de ciudata comanda a inspectorului. Seful de sala nu se pierdu cu firea, cugeta cateva clipe si apoi ii spuse chelnerului:
– Du-te la ghena de gunoi, ia de acolo o conserva goala, incearca sa o inchizi cat mai bine, si du-i-o.
Chelnerul se executa, inspectorul deschide cutia si observa ca e goala:
– Aha! Iti bati joc de mine? Am comandat conserva din cur de elefant si tu imi aduci o cutie goala?
Sa vina seful de sala!
Seful de sala se prezinta pentru a incerca sa rezolve nemultumirea clientului care ii spune:
– Chelnerul asta e un nesimtit si isi bate joc de mine! Am comandat o conserva din cur de elefant si mi-a adus o cutie goala.
Seful de sala examineaza cutia goala si exclama compatimitor:
– Vai ce ghinion aveti domnule! Ati nimerit fix gaura!

One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um…Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans…

A helping hand
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”

“A hand job”, Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

A girls first time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?

Eu zic:
-Pardon
El zice:
-Te-ai besit?

Americanul, germanul si romanul la concursul de minciuni:
– Nevasta mea a nascut intr-un avion, acesta s-a defectat si pustiul a salvat-o cu parasuta. [spune americanul]
– Nevasta mea a nascut intr-un submarin, acesta s-a defectat iar pustiul a salvat-o de la inec. [spune germanul]
-Nevasta mea e gravida de un an. Din cand in cand pustiul mai scoate capul si intreaba: Mai este Boc premier? mai este Boc premier? [spune romanul]

O tinerica muncea intr-un bordel fara ca cineva din familia ei sa stie de acest lucru. Totul in regula, nimeni nu aflase nimic timp de un an despre activitatea fetei, pina intr-o zi in care politia facuse o razie. Toate prostituatele din bordel au fost scoase in strada si puse in rand pentru a fi verificate.
Bunica tinerei trecea chiar atunci prin zona si imediat ce si-a vazut nepotica se duse tinta spre ea:
– “Ce faci nepotica draga? De ce stai la coada?”
– “Pai ahhh, bunicuto, stii, am auzit ca se dau portocale proaspete….”
– “Serios draga? Pai hai ca sta si bunicuta cu tine, ca as minca si eu…”
Ajung politistii si la babuta. Se mira unu:
– “Doamna, am trait s-o vad si pe asta… La virsta dv. mai puteti sa faceti asa ceva???
– “Babuta raspunse mindra:
– “Sigur, cum sa nu…. Imi dau jos proteza si le sug bine de tot!!!”

Harvard, Cursul de Biologie. Profesosul explica despre nivelul ridicat de glucoza din sperma.
O tanara studenta ridica mana si spune:
– Sa inteleg din ceea ce spuneti dvs ca sperma are la fel de multa glucoza ca zaharul!?
– Exact domnisoara…
– Si cum se face ca nu e dulce?
– Pentru ca papilele gustative pt dulce sunt in varful limbii si nu in adancul gatului! …i-a replicat calm profesorul….

Culmea f***iului: Să alergi în jurul unui puţ, să-ţi prinzi c**ul să ţi-l f**i…

Culmea curiozităţii: să spargi capul p**ii să vezi dacă are creier.

Culmea aglomeraţiei: cînd şoferul autobuzului călătoreşte pe scări.

Culmea economiei: să pui un bilet în uşă pe care scrie “Nu sunaţi! Ies eu din cînd în cînd!”.

Culmea alpinismului: să cucereşti vîrful de ac