One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um…Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans…

A helping hand
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”

“A hand job”, Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

A girls first time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?

Eu zic:
-Pardon
El zice:
-Te-ai besit?

Americanul, germanul si romanul la concursul de minciuni:
– Nevasta mea a nascut intr-un avion, acesta s-a defectat si pustiul a salvat-o cu parasuta. [spune americanul]
– Nevasta mea a nascut intr-un submarin, acesta s-a defectat iar pustiul a salvat-o de la inec. [spune germanul]
-Nevasta mea e gravida de un an. Din cand in cand pustiul mai scoate capul si intreaba: Mai este Boc premier? mai este Boc premier? [spune romanul]

O tinerica muncea intr-un bordel fara ca cineva din familia ei sa stie de acest lucru. Totul in regula, nimeni nu aflase nimic timp de un an despre activitatea fetei, pina intr-o zi in care politia facuse o razie. Toate prostituatele din bordel au fost scoase in strada si puse in rand pentru a fi verificate.
Bunica tinerei trecea chiar atunci prin zona si imediat ce si-a vazut nepotica se duse tinta spre ea:
– “Ce faci nepotica draga? De ce stai la coada?”
– “Pai ahhh, bunicuto, stii, am auzit ca se dau portocale proaspete….”
– “Serios draga? Pai hai ca sta si bunicuta cu tine, ca as minca si eu…”
Ajung politistii si la babuta. Se mira unu:
– “Doamna, am trait s-o vad si pe asta… La virsta dv. mai puteti sa faceti asa ceva???
– “Babuta raspunse mindra:
– “Sigur, cum sa nu…. Imi dau jos proteza si le sug bine de tot!!!”

Harvard, Cursul de Biologie. Profesosul explica despre nivelul ridicat de glucoza din sperma.
O tanara studenta ridica mana si spune:
– Sa inteleg din ceea ce spuneti dvs ca sperma are la fel de multa glucoza ca zaharul!?
– Exact domnisoara…
– Si cum se face ca nu e dulce?
– Pentru ca papilele gustative pt dulce sunt in varful limbii si nu in adancul gatului! …i-a replicat calm profesorul….

Culmea f***iului: Să alergi în jurul unui puţ, să-ţi prinzi c**ul să ţi-l f**i…

Culmea curiozităţii: să spargi capul p**ii să vezi dacă are creier.

Culmea aglomeraţiei: cînd şoferul autobuzului călătoreşte pe scări.

Culmea economiei: să pui un bilet în uşă pe care scrie “Nu sunaţi! Ies eu din cînd în cînd!”.

Culmea alpinismului: să cucereşti vîrful de ac

Culmea politeţii: să stai în picioare într-un autobuz gol.

Culmea cutremurului: să chemi liftul şi să vină etajul.

Culmea scîrboşeniei: să sari într-o cadă cu muci şi să-l cauţi pe cel mai verde