-Se poate sa-ti cada dintii dupa accidentul de la Cernobal?
-Da, daca nu iti ti gura!

Intr-un cimitir, linga un loc de veci, un tip intreaba pe un altul.
− Sotia?
− Nu, soacra.
− Si mai bine.

Cica se intalnesc doi clitorisi pe strada.
Zice unul: – Ce faci, ma? Am auzit ca nu o duci prea bine.
Celalalt răspunde: – Eh! Gurile astea rele…

Vine iepurele nervos la lup,plin de sange.
-Ce ai iepure,de ce esti rosu?
-I’a venit doamnei urs si m’a folosit drept tampon!
A doua zi,bufnita nervoasa la lup,plina de sange bineinteles:
-Il bat …
-Ce ai bufnito,doamnei urs nu i’a trecut inca?
-Iepurele ala nenorocit,il omor daca il prind!I’a spus doamnei urs ca tampoanele cu aripioare sunt mai bune…!

Sf. Andrei se plimba pe inserate linistit. Aude vocea lui Isus:
– Andrei, vino la mine repede !
– Da doamne! dar unde esti ?!
– Spre apus…
Fuge asta disperat, se intalneste cu un pluton de soldati romani care-l vad evreu si il bat de il capacesc. Se scoala Andrei, aude iar vocea lui Isus:
– Andrei, vino la mine…
Schiopateaza asta pana la un alt pluton de soldati romani care-i taie o mana dupa ce-l rup cu bataia. Andrei in agonie, ii aude iar vocea lui Isus:
– Andrei vino repede la mine !
– … orice pentru tine… mantuitorul meu…
Se mai zbate asta cu mana taiata si urland, fuge, alt pluton, alta bataie, un picior taiat… Tot vocea lui Isus, se taraste Andrei plangand, alt pluton, bataie crancena, celalalt picior, vocea lui Isus, “orice pentru tine mantuitorule” se taraste cu o singura mana si urla de durere, in fine il gaseste pe Isus stand pe o piatra.
– Ce este… Isus… de ce… m-ai chemat..?
– Uite ce frumos se vede apusul de aici…

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny`s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says `Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.`
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, `Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?` Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies `In Jenny`s room. It`s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.` Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, `Okay then how will you live? You`re not old enough toget a job. You`ll need to support Jenny.` Again, Johnny instantly replies, `Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That`s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.`
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won`t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, `Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?`
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says `Well, we`ve been lucky so far…`

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high
school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other
in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same
college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the
guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each
other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home,
and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he
emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn`t
take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to
win back her love.
She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new
boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend`s
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
`I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.`
Well, needless to say, this guy was broken but, even more so, he was
pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following,
`Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!
I`m getting pretty desperate!` and mailed the picture to her parents.

Bula, un pusti de 4-5 ani, gaseste o tigara. Se adreseaza unui domn care tocmai trecea pe strada:
– Un foc, va rog.
Acesta, ganditor:
– Nu mai sunt copii ca altadata…
– Nu-i nimic, nene! Facem noi!

Bula intra in camera parintilor si o vede pe maica-sa cu fusta ridicata iar pe taica-sau la spatele ei…
Vazandu-l, tatal ii face semn sa plece si sa inchida usa. Dupa ce termina treaba tatal se duce sa vada ce face fiul. Il gaseste in camera cu bunica-sa care avea fusta ridicata iar el spatele ei.
Taica-sau tipa :
– Bula, dar ce naiba faci acolo?
La care ii raspunde:
– Nu e asa de amuzant cand e vorba de ma-ta, nu-i asa?
——————————————————————————–

Un european ratacit in Sahara se misca tot mai greu; dupa trei zile de sete si canicula cumplita, de-abia se taraste. De-odata i se infatiseaza privirilor incetosate o silueta stranie. Pare un om in carne si oase.
– Apa! Sopteste calatorul ratacit.
– Nu pot decat sa-ti dau o cravata, suna raspunsul, atat de naucitor.
Cel ratacit se taraste mai departe, pana cand .. minune! Un restaurant luxos rasare din desert, facandu-l pe insetat sa se ridice si, cu ultimele puteri, sa se napusteasca spre intrare. La usa, insa, un cerber galonat il opreste brutal:
– Stop! Tinuta obligatorie! Fara cravata, nu se intra.

Intrebare la Radio Erevan:
– Poti lua 10 ani de inchisoare daca declari in Piata Rosie ca Stalin e cretin?
– Da, deoarece acesta este un secret de stat…

– Mami, este adevarat ca 5+5=10?
– Da, puisor, asa este, dar de ce ma intrebi?
– Pai doamna invatatoare zice ca 6+4=10!

Un scotian apeleaza un nr.de 898989… .
– Ce faci, iubitule, esti singur?
– Da.
– Fac orice pentru tine, iubitule.
– Ok.Atunci inchid eu telefonul si ma suni tu!

Din colectia: Americane

– How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
– Poke her face.

Jannie se pregăteşte pentru ce-a de-a 4-a căsătorie a ei. Chiar înaintea nunţii, se gândeşte să facă un control la ginecolog.
– Doamne, Jannie, zise doctorul, cum se face că ai fost măritată de trei ori şi încă mai eşti virgină ?
– Să vă explic : primul meu soţ era om de ştiinţă şi tot ce vroia să facă era să o atingă, al doilea era psiholog şi tot ce ştia să facă era să o studieze. Iar al treilea…
După o tăcere nostalgică :
– Al treilea lucra la poştă şi lipea timbre… abia acum îmi dau seama cât am să-i duc dorul.