– Cum sa descoperi o soacra
Un bsrbat ajunge la portile raiului. Aici, un grup mare de femei il intsmpins si fiecare se ds drept soacra lui:
– Dumnezeu ss te binecuvsnteze, fiule, nu ms recunosti? sunt soacra ta!
Se tot cearta intre ele, dar nu ajung nicicum la consens. Pana la urma, Sf. Petru vine sa faca dreptate:
– Din moment ce 20 de femei pretind a fi soacrele acestui om, el trebuie taiat în 20 de bucati.
Femeile asculta tacute hotararea nemiloasa a Sf. Petru, numai una din ele striga:
– Asa este, trebuie taiat in 20 de bucati!
La care Sf. Petru se intoarce catre ea si spune:
– Te-am gasit! Tu esti adevarata soacra!
Ajung trei maicute in Rai la Judecata De Apoi a Lui Dumnezeu.O intreaba El pe prima :
-Ia spune maicuta ,ai pacatuit cu gandul sau cu fapta ?
-Doamne,cinstit iti spui ca n-am pacatuit nici cu gandul nici cu fapta.
-Bine maicuta…Sfinte Petre, da-i cheile de aur ale raiului.
A doua maicuta :
-Doamne ce sa-ti spun cu fapta n-am pacatuit ,dar cu gandul de ,ce sa-ti spui,am mai
pacatuit,ca de…
-Bine maicuta …,Sfinte Petre,da-i cheile de argint ale raiuluiu…
A treia maicuta :
-Eu Doamne, am pacatuit si cu gandul si cu fapta…
-Daaa,maicuta,Sfinte Petre da-i cheile de la apartamentele mele…
Doua doamne vorbeau la o cafea despre barbatii lor.
Una din ele zice:
-Barbatul meu bea atat de mult incat m-am saturat de el!
Cealalta zice:
-Si sotul meu bea, dar intr-o zi m-am saturat asa tare incat m-am gandit la o solutie.
-Care?
Cada din baie am umplut-o toata cu vin si am aruncat o pisica moarta in cada cu vin. Cand a venit de la munca l-am inchis in baie si cand a iesit s-a jurat ca nu mai bea.
-Bine o sa incerc si eu.
Se duce femeia acasa, umple cada cu vin arunca mata moarta si asteapta.
Cand vine sotul ei il inchide in baie si sta si asteapta 15 minute, 30 de minute, ba chiar o ora. Cand deschide usa: cada goala si barba-su cu mata in mana o storcea si zicea:
-Hai, pisi pisi, hai, pisi pisi, inca un picut…
Vasile Cocosatul,iese din bar la 12 noaptea mort de beat si se indreapta spre casa pe drumul cimitirului.Cind ajunge pe la jumatatea cimitirului, incepe vintul sa bata,se ridica ceata si se aude o voce,care-i spune:
-STAI ASA! CINE-I ACOLO?
-VASILE COCOSATUL.
-CE AI IN SPATE?
-O COCOASA.
-DA-O INCOACE!
Si asa Vasile se trzi din bautura,de spaima,cu spinarea dreapta.O rupe la fuga si se duce direct la vecinul lui,Costica Schiopul.Cind ii povesteste acestuia toata istoria,Costica nerabdator,o rupe la fuga spre cimitir,sa capete si el un picior.Cind intra in cimitir,aceeas voce:
-STAI ASA!CINE-I ACOLO?
-COSTICA SCHIOPUL.
-CE AI IN SPATE?
-N-AM NIMIC.
-IA O COCOASE!
De ce isi pun oltenii la culcare pe noptiera un pahar cu apa si unul gol?
R: poate le e sete, poate nu!
-Ce zice un oltean cand ajunge la mare?
-Uite mama ce de Jiiiiiiiiii.
-Cum vopsesc oltenii gardul?
-Le vopsesc pe primele 3, iar pe urmatoarele scriu ETC…
-Stiti de ce le place blondelor sa stea al soare ?
-Pentru ca sunt ultraviolate .
A avea constiinta curata inseamna a avea memorie proasta.
La un meci de fotbal intre juniori, antrenoru scoate in mijlocul jocului unul din copii
-Bai, tu stii ce inseamna cooperare, ce inseamna o echipa? Baiatu da din cap ca da
-Intelegi ma ca orice se intampla e important sa pierdem sau sa castigam impreuna? Baiatu da din cap ca da
– Si cred ca stii ca daca se da fault, nu tipi, injuri, te duci sa-l bati pe arbitru sau il numesti cap-sec…Baiatu da din cap ca da
– Si daca te scot din teren ca sa intre altu, nu ii zici antrenorului “ba tampitule”, asa-i? Baiatu da din cap ascultand cu atentie
– Bun ma, acum du-te pe banca si explica-i astea si lu mata-mare
Un batranel il intreaba pe nepotul lui favorit:
-Nepoate cum ziceai ca il cheama pe ala care imi tot fura lucrurile?
– Alzheimer, bunicule!
-Se poate sa-ti cada dintii dupa accidentul de la Cernobal?
-Da, daca nu iti ti gura!
Intr-un cimitir, linga un loc de veci, un tip intreaba pe un altul.
− Sotia?
− Nu, soacra.
− Si mai bine.
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny`s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says `Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.`
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, `Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?` Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies `In Jenny`s room. It`s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.` Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, `Okay then how will you live? You`re not old enough toget a job. You`ll need to support Jenny.` Again, Johnny instantly replies, `Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That`s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.`
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won`t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, `Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?`
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says `Well, we`ve been lucky so far…`
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high
school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other
in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same
college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the
guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each
other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home,
and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he
emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn`t
take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to
win back her love.
She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new
boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend`s
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
`I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.`
Well, needless to say, this guy was broken but, even more so, he was
pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following,
`Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!
I`m getting pretty desperate!` and mailed the picture to her parents.